My Telos

Can't think of a creative way to start this post.

 
Last Friday (12/27) I did my first stand up show at the Fl*ppers club in Burb*nk. It was loads of fun - even though everyone who works there always looks like they don't want to be there lol - mainly because the other performers were so nice! We all hung out in the green room before the show and I already knew most of the performers so we were at ease. After we were done with our sets, we sat with each other amongst the audience and watched the rest of us get up there - lots of hooting and cheering.

 
Now on to the bad news, I am back in Northridge. I made a blog post back in September talking about how I was so happy about moving out of Northridge, which. Funny how things work out. I moved 4 times this year, I am T-I-R-E-D. I really wish I lived in Westwood or Los Feliz, it's so accessible to every other place in the city. I now spend atleast 4 hours commuting a day. I would be very happy if I never had to see the Valley in my life again - but if it means staying in California, I guess it's a small sacrifice. I finished moving the last of my stuff an hour ago. Did I mention that I was tired?

 
I have to say I can't help but shake this general feeling of dread that's been steadily increasing since November. I am truly the happiest I have been my whole life, and it makes me think something awful will happen to take it away. I keep worrying that something as bad as the 2020 pandemic would happen all over again and I'd be forced to stay at my parents' place again. Or something just as bad. I think when the pandemic was happening I was just glad to be alive, but looking back, god that was horrifying. I know I am lucky I survived at all, but jeez. I wonder why it happened - what was the lesson in it? Am I even allowed to take control of my life?

I am trying to completely quit watching tarot and went several days in November with Tarot, but relapsed right after. I hope I just never use it again out of nowhere. I am an addict.
 
A lot happened this year, but I am too tired to list it all now and I am also so happy I can only see how it all led me here. Even though I am going to be spending my New years Eve sleeping in a room full of moving boxes in a small house in Northridge. Even though I am tired and sore. Also, I just finished reading Politics of Reality by Marilyn Frye a few minutes ago and wow, I love it when a book fundamentally changes my perspective of the world.

 
Happy New Years Eve !

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