Chappell To Go

Yeah I am obsessed with Chappell Roan now and sorry I am late to the party. 

The past month has been so whatever. I only did one stand up show but made up for it by going out very often - I even saw Shiori Ito and Sean Baker (both Oscar nominated directors) in person when they did Q&A's. It blew my mind. Sorry, I get very excited whenever I see celebrities because even though I live in LA, I live in the Valley where nothing happens (Except Gwen Stafani also lives here and shops at the Gelson's in Encino I found out last week which also blew my mind). I am seriously hoping to move to Los Feliz even though I absolutely can't afford anything right now. Literally typing this lying on a mattress on a floor - when I say I am living in squalor I am absolutely not exaggerating. 

I am here because I just received an incredibly infuriating email from the college that I made the boneheaded decision to transfer to. In the email the international office told me it's my duty as "a student to study and not work" in response to my email asking them about on campus employment - which I have been desperately trying to get for the past month since right now it's the only legal way I can make money. The two roles I had kind of received call backs for were both federally funded (meaning I am not eligible as I am not a citizen) I found out after spending a weekend on edge waiting for a response. I feel so defeated, every door I turn to has been locked. I wish I could relegate it to a lack of competence, meaning it would be something I could control, but even though I used to work with large datasets and artificial neural networks and other big words I am surprised I knew 5 years ago, I am still not getting jobs that need you to answer calls or click on buttons in a lab - not that that work is any less valuable than the stuff I did - simply because I am not a citizen. 

Now based on the news this morning, it feels like the 3rd world war is about to erupt any moment making everything moot. Not to sound incredibly self centered but why is it that anytime I am trying to get my life under control the world starts to explode? 

In other news I had a Chai latte in Los Feliz three weeks ago that I am still thinking about. Did I mention that I am extremely charmed by that little poser neighborhood? It really would be a dream to have my own place there. 

I know it seems a little ironic getting Chai lattes in rich neighborhoods when I am complaining about being broke but if there's anything I have learned the past two years is it's very important to enjoy yourself. I used to live so frugally the first two years I moved here even though I was earning a decent amount, that it wasn't until I had no money in my bank and I had to watch people my age going out, buying things that I realized how stupid being frugal is. Like being in my prime and saving money for what? To spend it when I am 60 and can barely move? I probably won't even have teeth to eat with. 

For 10 years, since I was 15, I felt like there was something missing. I would spend every moment feeling anxious and on edge, desperately scrapping my mind trying to remember and find what I was looking for. I knew if I told someone they would chalk it up to generalized anxiety. But I knew it wasn't just anxiety, I was missing something and my life wouldn't move until I found it. I was frozen in time while I tried to find this piece - in simple words the car wouldn't start without the engine. I couldn't enjoy anything until I found this missing piece. I couldn't watch movies or shows, I couldn't sit with people, or even do anything fun without a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. It was eating me alive. It wasn't until last year February when I walked into a comedy cafe that I felt like I finally found what I was looking for. It took me months to get up on stage but every time I did, it felt like the piece was fully coalescing, and I was finally whole. I gave up so much of a normal comfortable life to find that piece - I don't really think I had a a choice. It really is true, if it's your calling, it won't stop calling. Finally my life has started to move. I am miffed it took so long, I wonder why because I really did try my best to look for this "piece." For a few moments during this dark night that lasted a decade, I thought I would never find it so I am glad I found it at all. 

My point is, I am happy. It really is a blessing to have something that you want so bad and look forward to everyday. I'd glad I defrosted lol. 

 I am getting overly maudlin time for pictures. 

Also. So glad White lotus is releasing now. Getting lattes every Sunday morning, watching white lotus in the night, watching free movies with friends while directors come out, doing stand up during weeknights like what more can a girl ask for?

Well. A 6 figure job I guess. But truly. I feel blessed. Just want my own money.